Me

I've been blogging a lot about what's going on with Brian and I try to add somethings about Em from time to time, but I realized that I really haven't talked about me lately.
So, I'm going to be selfish and narsassicitic and talk about myself for a while.
This has been hard for me. I've been dealing with Emily's porblems for so long and getting so frustrated with that whole situation, that for Brian to get sick just adds more problems to my all ready strained back. Work is okay, really busy. My head hasn't been there for a while and at times I feel like I'm just going through the motions.
In the year that I have worked at MVM, I have only taken three days for me. Two of which I was sick as a dog and one was part of our family vacation. I took today off as a mental health day.
I needed it. I still haven't gotten up, for real. I took a long shower and I'm just laying here watching movies on cable. I pulled my neck in my sleep the other night and it hurts just to hold my head up. I'm very tired and I'm thrilled to say that a lot of things are finally fallen into place with Brian and our trips to the city.
I keep thinking that this is jsut the next challange for me. What more can I handle? I know that everyone thinks I'm so strong, but there are times I don't think so. I've had enough for a while.
Those of you who really know me, realize that I have no faith in God. I have a hard time believing in something that I can't touch or experince. I've never felt the spirit. I don't believe there is an afterlife of hevaen. I like church and the feelings of tradition and pomp and circumstance. But I don't feel that sitting in a buiding, saying silent wishes to some greater being is going to fix everything. I have no faith.
Don't get me wrong, I do believe that for those who have faith and do believe, it's real. I tend to lean more towards the eveolution theroies of creation and I believe whole heartedly in both Western and Eastern medicines. But to think that simple prayer and faith is going to guide me through all of the trials and tribulations that have come into my life, no.
For those of you who are reading this and have faith, please continue to do so. There is so much out there I don't understand. I'm just saying that I have never been in a place in my life that I can put my faith, trust and understanding in a being that was created through the minds of people more than 4 thousand years ago.
Please don't try to convert me. It's a lost cause. Many have tried and failed.
My friend from college, a good woman with more than enough faith for both of us, is convinced that deep down I have faith and belief in God. Who knows? Maybe she's right. But I've never felt it's real for me. Time will tell.
Maybe it's all the death I have seen. In my life, my work, I see very sweet and wonderful people die very tragic and hard deaths. I have seen the nicest people have the worst lives. I have seen the crappiest people with the best luck. I have seen both the good and the bad die. It's the same physical process no matter the age or gender. No one is going to lose the battle with death when it comes.
Am I scared that Brian will die? No. If it happens it was meant to be. Am I scared to be without him? Yes and no. I know that I will be heart broken. He is my husband and I do love him. But I know that I will carry on. I have Emily, a constant reminder of all that is good about Bri. I'm more scared of being alone. I'm not good alone.
Plus, there are friends, family and the like around me. But sometimes, it feels so far away. I don't know. I'm so confused lately.
I want to just curl up and wait until this is all over. Waiting is indeed the hardest part. I'll feel better when we are there, in the hospital. Then I can relax as much as I can.
My mother doesn't want me to be in the city alone and I appreciate that. But at the same time, having everyone, anyone there sitting and staring, waiting for the next thing is more nerve racking than being alone. I know that worrying is wasteful. It is. I just want it to be over. Is that selfish? I'm ready to go tomorrow, but we have more than a week to wait. I've feel like there is so much I need to do, but I have no energy left to do it. I'm drained. And when Brian and Em are home, I feel that I need to continue to be strong. To not let on how upset I really am. And I feel that I need to be strong for his family too. It's just so hard.
And who do I get to vent to? Who do I get to yell at and cry with? Brian. NO. That's not good. The few times I have tried I keep hearing that faith and trust in God will help. I don't want to hear that. It's not me. I don't know what I want to hear.
And to top it all off, my birthday is going to suck... again. 35 and no party, I don't know that I will be able to go out. Brian will be too fragile and just home... if we are home at that point.
Sorry, not asking for pity. Just venting.
I'll write again soon.
Thanks for listening.